Conclusions

I don't know if it has something to do with the fact that it is 6:50am and I am awake because the puppies are like little alarm clocks that go off at 6:30 every morning waiting for breakfast or the fact that it is silent except for a bird's chirping and the puppies' gnawing on bones and this rhythm has made me contemplative but for whatever the reason or impetus I am thinking about conclusions. A lot of things are coming to an end in my life right now and a lot of things are just beginning. As you might know I am getting divorced, which is a long, tedious, frustrating process and I am going back to school. I am pretty sure that I will be able to graduate in the fall which will be a full semester ahead of schedule. This is a conclusion I am looking forward to. The whole divorce thing is a bucket of sad. The whole process is full of unnecessary events that have essentially destroyed a 17 year relationship. I don't know if it is my fault for not seeing things more clearly or if it is even possible to see through a haze of lies.

I am one of those people who would rather be hit in the face than lied to. The worst thing you can do in a relationship is lie to your partner. You can work with bad actions but you can't do anything with lies. There is no way to correct a lie, because even if you fess up after the lie has been told the other person feels betrayed and questions whether or not they can trust you. It's like cheating, I wouldn't be afraid of the past action I would be afraid of what it means a person is capable of. If you can so easily step out of a relationship once, you can do it again. It's the again that makes you crazy. It's the again that starts petty fights, and it's the again that destroys the relationship.

I feel like I have this very bi-polar life right now. I think I am doing well in school, we really haven't had enough grades to gauge anything yet, I am with a man that I love and we have wonderful puppies. At the same time I am going through this increasingly messy divorce and was diagnosed with diabetes last week. I feel like whenever one area starts to get good some other random crap pops up and all you can do is look forward to the conclusion of the crap.

I would not change my life with anyone, because for the most part I am happy and incredibly well adjusted, but sometimes I wonder why the FUCK does this shit have to happen to me?

The only conclusion I have been able to come up with is I can take it.

I have always been too honest and too trusting for my own good, but I would rather be that way then a cynical, manipulative, selfish, self-serving, irresponsible, callous waste of space. I attract those kinds of people, I think all good natured people do. We are magnets for others bullshit and we try to fix them. We think that maybe our positivity will rub off on them, but this is a losing battle and eventually you have to cut your losses and sometimes run.

So I am running. Running my fingers over these keys, running my mouth to people who can help me and probably running away from an insurmountable mountain of debt that has been accrued in my name over the last three years. I am starting over in a way that I never wanted to start over at a time where I feel like I am finally settled, which is a good thing. But most of all I just want to stop being chased by a frantic little boy who all he seems to want to do is hurt me because he is afraid that I am leaving him, and after 17 years of chasing and being bitten around the ankles and bleeding for this person while he gets to go out and play every day, I've said enough. So now he gets his fearful wish fulfilled, I have left him because at this point I don't need a parasitic child that I didn't give birth to. Instead I choose to share my life with a man who makes every moment of my life calmer. I think that's the best conclusion I have ever reached.