I'm not a good blogger. I forget this thing exists and I go months without writing anything on it, which is why I have four followers. Four people who are probably family members or friends who forgot they liked this page and have been too lazy to delete me from the list of things they follow.
I started to write a facebook post and realized, oh yeah, that's what a blog is for.
My college acting professor Mark Majarian told us that he was there to help us get out of our own way. That the only thing keeping us from being successful actors was our fear. He told me specifically it was his job to get me working. I think this is where my obsession or misguided belief that as an actor the goal is not to be famous, or make a butt load of money, the goal is to be working, and that as long as I am working, and growing then I am successful as an actor. It was this mentality that made Los Angeles a very strange place for me.
People always had advice for you, most of it misguided. I was advised to choose an actor whose career I wanted to have and then emulate that person's trajectory. I chose Tony Shalhoub. Ethnically ambiguous, not the typical standard of beauty, an honest performer, that is good if not great in everything he has ever done, including Thirteen Ghosts. I was met with disappointment when this same person said, "But, he's a dude." Apparently, women cannot emulate men and be successful. It was around this same time that someone asked me what my goal was and I said, "I just want to be working." The response was, "You don't want to be famous?" I flatly said no. Apparently, "No" was disappointing to this trusted confidant. "You do know that this is a tough industry? That if you aim to be famous, you will be working, but if you aim to work, you won't get anywhere. You have to aim higher than what you want."
I thought that was bullshit. So, I fired my agent.
Whatever happened to realistic, carefully planned goals? When did it become a poor decision to know what you want and then create and execute a road map to attaining a tangible goal? Notoriety does not equate to success or happiness. Feeling like you have accomplished something through your own merit is what creates lasting contentment. At least for me it does.
If there is an easy road and a hard road to travel, I will always take the hard road. It is a character flaw. I acknowledge that, but it is so much more interesting than feebly walking along the trail stamped out by reality tv stars and poorly written rants on youtube. I would rather be poor and psychologically fulfilled, than rich and wondering what the hell has become of my life.
These are the things that keep me up at night, and these are things that keep my fingers clicking against plastic, feebly trying to tell the stories that have been hidden away off the paved highway of popular fiction.
Oh, god that was pretentious.
I need to get back to writing my werewolf novel, or the one about the girl in the diner off route 41, or the Sci-fi adventure movie I'm outlining. Screw it, Kimberly's right I should start writing Flowers in the Attic, a Space Adventure.
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